I know better now

If you could just look back

Turn back the hands of time

I believe you would do it differently

I believe it was not your intention to hurt me

Its my fault that I’m just too gullible 

I know that you have a heart

Yes it took time to get here

Where I am able to say its okay

Yes I still cry about it at times

But I now understand

That maybe the hurt would be more serve 

Had we kept going

Without a map or compass to guide our steps

I hated you for a while but I never really hated you 
I was just surpassing all the pain using anger

Glad I let that go

It was too heavy to bear

Hating the one whom was able to make my mouth curve

I am now able to associate your name with good things

I know that you didn’t want to hurt me

And that it just happened but I hope that

Just as I learned 

You have learned to never use your words

As an opener to open up hearts

And then leave them opened but unfilled

Not everyone is going to be so forgiving

You were lucky that I am scared of blood

Or you would be having scars

To resemble the ones on my heart

Maybe I am that over it yet

I am heading there

Give me time

I will get there

I am on the right path

 

Incomplete Thoughts

I don’t know whether I’m too sweet or people just think they can walk all over me and maybe I let them.
I mean I laugh everything away, I take things lightly. I feel like I give people the power to hurt me because I care completely about the people around me.

I have this notion that everything that’s happens to you happens for a reason(maybe its my church upbringing that has lead me to think that or it could be that house song). So if everything happens for a reason I have to ask what exactly is that reason. I think if I knew the reason to why something happens to me it might lead me to understand the purpose behind it.

I recently got a wake up call. I have always been passing my modules with a few hassles here and there but I would never fail even the hardest test because I am a hard worker. I always want to achieve the best results(a trait I get from my day). A wrote my first semester test for Business Law for the 2nd semester, I remember the feeling I had after writing that paper I was disappointed in myself because I knew I hadn’t done my best whatsoever. I got my test back few days ago and I literally wanted to cry. I got just below 50% and all I felt was disappointment I felt like a failure. I thought about how I handle the studying for the paper and realised I wasn’t serious enough I took the module for granted and that’s wasn’t clever of me. So yes I got a wake up call… Do you want to know what that call said? Its said” Kabie you are smarter than this, you can do better than this, why are you putting yourself down? Raise up and work hard to claim the prize that you deserve which is a Diploma in Marketing in 3 years nothing more than that.

Women

August is women’s month.

Which has lead me to think about the women in my life that have done so much for me and mean the world to me. My grandmother is the women that raised since I was an infant until I was 6 years old. She has taught to respect everyone I come across and she has also taught me discipline even though sometime I make mistake I still have it instilled in me. My aunts have always been people I turn to when things go wrong, I grow up around them, I think that’s why I took my late aunt’s death so hard. I just never knew a world where she wasn’t in it, still miss her. I miss just laughing with her. My other aunt is also a just a joy to be around hey, she just makes me laugh and she is honestly like a mother to me. I respect her like my mother, laugh with her like my sister and talk to her like my friend. A women more special to me like no other is my mother wow this is woman is wonderful hey. The things she has done for me I don’t even think I can ever repay her but I will work my whole life to do so. She has taught to be independent and she has taught that no problem is too hugh for God to handle, she taught me to pray. I love all these women because they have taught me so much and they are the reason I am the young women I am. I am thankful and humbled to have them in my life.

Lessons

I have realised that I have been through a lot of things that would have broken most people. It would have left them unwilling to live. I have been through so much that I sometimes wonder how I got through it all. I remember how hard I prayed when I felt like I was losing it all. When I thought my life was longer mine to live, I asked God for strength to face another day and I am truly thankful to the almighty for giving it to me. In 19 years of being on this earth I feel I have been through things that even some adults have yet to face. I feel all the things that happened to me happened for a reason(there we go again with everything happens for a reason). All the things that I have had happen in my life has taught me that I am stronger than I think I am. So many people would have given up on life and all that it has to offer yet I embraced the failures and mistakes of my life and told myself that I am not going to be doing that again. I mean no one is gonna fall in a lion’s den and get rescued than want to do it all over again. You learn from your mistakes and failures, you don’t repeat them. I feel that people don’t realise the power that they have, I mean every obstacle that you face and overcome is a victory that should be celebrated. Some obstacles are tougher than others I know but each one of us possess the power to overcome a whole lot of things. Pride yourself in knowing that you did something that others would not have been able to do. Even if its the fact that you had the privilege of waking up to see another day, that’s an honour that someone else didn’t get to have.

Overcome
Be strong
You have the power

Females vs males(the different ways we mature)

Recently at a braai I was having for my birthday I observed the way we are so different. I was with my friends from high school majority of which were guys. I realised that we girls mature way before guys do. The way in which the guys were acting I actually felt as though I was hanging out with high school boys hey. These are people I got to know through out high school so I have realised that there is a change in maturity in us girls yet the guys where still acting like kids. I actually started get really irritated by the way these boys were acting hey. I think this why girls don’t usually date guys their age because they start to feel like they are babysitting kids. I mean I don’t see myself dating any of those boys that were at my braai because I feel like I would be getting a headache everyday. They are my friends and I love them(sometimes) but they are not dating material. My boyfriend is 2 years older than me yet I can’t even recognize that he is older than me now imagine dating an 19 year old. I don’t think it would work out hey. Guys my age should date younger girls, back in the day I wouldn’t approve but now that I have seen that they have yet to mature I feel they should date younger girls those girls would be at the same maturity level. A friend of mine here in UJ once said that his dad told that his future wife is only in Primary now. Basically saying that he should marry a girl younger than him by like 7 years. I wouldn’t date a that’s older than me by 5 years that’s just a rule I have always had. I like having the upper had in a relationship so I feel if I had to date a guy older than me by more than 5 years he is gonna be dictating to me about how I should leave my life which won’t a relationship I would wanna be in basically. I have concluded that girls mature faster than guys.

19 the last teen!

19 the last teen!.

19 the last teen!

My last year as a teenager. I just turned 19 and realised that its my last teen year. I am growing and as I do that I want to see how far I have come over the years. So I started thinking about the different ways in which we mature from 13 to 19.

I still remember how I was so scared of dating, when a boy asked me out I would ask him what he knew about love and he obviously didn’t have an answer to that. I only saw boys as friends that’s was when I was 13. When I was 15 I had my first boyfriend, that “relationship” was a disaster and dating that guy was a mistake. Got dumped for the first time when I was 17 that just lowered my self-esteem, I got over it after a while though and I’m still friends with the guy. I fell in love for the first time ever when I was 18 with the most amazing guy, a guy that transformed my outlook on love. I look at that and think wow I have really evolved as a person when it comes to dating.

I honestly can’t remember what I wanted to be when I was 13, I just know that somewhere between 14 and 15 I wanted to be a lawyer mostly because I thought that’s what my parents wanted and because of how all the legal shows made lawyers seem so cool. At 16 I wanted to study marketing but my dream was crashed, when I learned you can’t study marketing management without doing mathematics something I wasn’t going to do. When I was 17 I really didn’t know what I wanted to do, all I knew was that I wanted to study. In the beginning of my matric year, I wanted to study journalism but I ended up applying for a diploma in Marketing. That’s what I am currently studying now. I was indecisive for a while though.

So what is happening in my last teen? I am head-over-hills in love with my boyfriend. I am a ND. Marketing student at the University of Johannesburg. I am content with the way my life is and I know I am going to be successful!

FRienDs

Friends are highly regarded in my life. My mom doesn’t really like that I do that but its just the way I am. I value my friends like family and expect them to do the same. The sad thing about letting people into your life the way I do is that you give them power to hurt you. When I was still in high school its was easy because I knew these people and trusted them. Don’t get me wrong it was rocky in the beginning when I first got to school but I found people I trusted and that I value hugely.

It all changed when I got to Varsity where I had to start over again with finding people who get your personality and don’t want something from you. In these past 6 months I have learned how friends can be your worst enemy. Actually let me not say in the past 6 months, its been like that all my life. You find people who at first are warm to you but end up being mean to you and not living up to the way you thought they were. Not to blow my own horn but I am a nice person and I am easily hurt by people. The sad thing about it is that I can’t hate people that wronged me. I have this thing where I forgive people for doing wrong towards me. Yet I have learned that there are different kind of friends.
•There are friends that are there for a period of time in your life.
•There are friends that influence you in a good way and others that don’t.
•There are that you are gonna have for a lifetime and they become like family to you.
•There are friends that you met and just jell with.
•There are friends that you only want to party with but don’t really trust them.
•There are friends that you call first when everything goes wrong.
•FRIENDS should equal family.

First semester down

First semester at Varsity is over now. I still remember how it all began though. I had so many thoughts on how it would be, things I had seen in the movies. I was finally getting that freedom that I had longed for since the beginning of my high school years. Living at Res was not what I had hoped for but I decided not to fight with my parents about this. The first few weeks of being at Res were hard. I was finding it hard being away from my family as well as not having my friends around me. The other hard part was living away from my boyfriend, I mean we went from being neighbours to seeing each other every 2 weeks.

Finding my footing was hard but I finally got it. I made friends and I was settled into this new life of mine. My body was not adjusting to being in this new environment well, I was getting sick every other week which meant I was home a lot. So I was always told what I had missed out on during the weekend by my friends all the time. When my body finally adjusted school was starting and there was no time to be partying and causing havoc as they were doing during Res orientation.

On the first day of school I made friends I was quite proud of myself actually. Varsity proved to be a way different world from high school. Instead of having classrooms we have lecture halls that are larger. The lecturer doesn’t care if you attend lessons or not. Its not their duty to babysit you. The test are more challenging yet they are more multiple choice questions. Tutorials are a drag but need to be attended in case you get a test that will help boost your marks. Academics are why we go to Varsity anyway so we should work hard to actually pass.

Losing focus is easy because your parents are not around to guide you and tell you what is wrong and what is right. Their job is done, its up to your to use the knowledge you got during the time you lived with them. You can easily decide you are not going to go to your morning classes because you want to sleep in. The joys of living at Res. The first semester is where you are allowed to mess up because you haven’t done it before. If you let’s say fail a module your excuse it that you haven’t done this before and you are finding it hard to adjust to Varsity. Mistakes are mistakes learn from them and move on.

I had my fair share of wild days with the pack. That’s for another post thou. 🙂